This is I- Personal Essay

This is not a memoir, this is a not a story. These are thoughts written down by one individual in order to make life clear. Although, life is one path chosen by a certain person not everyone choose the same model. Family is a reason and a method or a virtue which should be pronounced in one’s life. What if all that you thought you knew were lies? What if what you were told were the truths? Would you yearn for further answers, or let the sleeping dogs lie? From a family of divorce a child may be one sided. When is it ok for parents and adults to get the children involved? If you heard one of your parents were the suedo devil would you be inclined to know that person?

Memories from childhood insist that we know who we are and how we were raised. But instinct as an adult may prove more. Perhaps the parent we let tumble to the sidelines may have been an inspiration to us, perhaps we were sheltered for a reason. When does one become a being who can recover old memories and anxieties in order to be able to push aside prejudice in order to fully understand the situation and the person or parent who was deemed wrong? Maybe I am being naive… maybe I’m not. But the chance of not knowing until it is too late is not one I am willing to take. Through many treacherous waters I have lived. From beginning to work at the age of 14 to being forced into woman-hood at 15 – a secret that not many know… how does the past indict ones future? Does the past create a pathway to ones future?

Many unanswered questions have arized in my quest to life. Although, with the many beliefs around the world, one’s life is dictated through the life choices they make- who thinks about faith anymore? If what I have been through has made me who I am today, then what have others been through in their beginning stages which make them the strong humans they are today? There may be stories that the strong ones dare not to tell. But why not? We are who we are by default of what we have been through. Why not be proud of what we have been through rather than making up a happy fairy tale life. From watching mother and father cry over their children to hiding in fear of what one of them may do to you and another sibling may cause a child to grow up earlier than one should. To be proposed to twice and engaged once yet never married may hold a heavy cloud over your head. For one person who does not believe in the institute of marriage due to past events may perhaps throw one into the ideals that this is what society has made as a path of life for anyone who chooses. But what if one believes this path is not right for them. Perhaps the trial and error of life has weighed heavily on some and they simply have lost faith. By faith I am not speaking of religion or beliefs but of hope to one day have the societal perfection of family. As a woman career is the most important part of me.

I push towards aspirations of a great career although it is sad to say that in 2011 women as still fighting for equal pay. Yes, we have come a long way from suffrage and the right to vote but women still fight for the right to not be viewed as stay at home moms. As an international business advocate who pushes and speaks until their face is blue to only realise no good can come of it for having breasts, I am a strong believer in woman’s rights. Woman can huff and puff and blow the house down yet men will still see it as them getting their period and ruining their empire. Yet from life experiences, so far, men are the ones who are bigger bitches than women could ever be. Universities show case a large amount of alumni who have accomplished things yet most are males. Which even though in these industrial and modernized times should be seen as an equalised opportunity? So does this weigh on the younger generations who aspire to grow into meaningful adults? To be the first female in my family to have achieved a university degree is a giant accomplishment for me. Yet others see it as elementary. Hard work and perseverance has been my motto for many years. Some may see it as indulgence or opportunism yet pushing myself and the dreams I had had have put me through hard times and the good. Friends have been my biggest motivators through life. Yes living up with a single mom and choosing to do so may have an edge to who I have become but who can decide who I am to be other than myself.

Fast forward to years into the future, perhaps a simple 3 to b e exact. A broken parental relationship has tried to be re kindled with no prevail. To look into another human eye and recognize to sense of life humanity or emotion is quite unnerving. Trying to reach something that can never be attained may be the only words to make someone understand this feeling. Looking into the eyes of someone who was supposed to be a support system, a mentor, a source of solace yet staring back is a blank face who seems to have no recollection of hurt of pain that has been brought onto others. How can some individuals become so numb to feeling or reality around them, unable to realise the hurt and suffering that was caused to others. Looking and searching for answers had no prevail here. Although the sense of fear and overwhelming doubt over the unknown has finally subsided in myself. Perhaps the question i had been trying to answer was why? I may never get the answer to that question but I know now that who I have become has nothing to do with this person. Recent conversations have led me to believe that if situations were different, the life I live now and the friends who I have grown with would never have happened. University may or may not have been the life I had chosen for myself. Influences would have been different, I would not have had everything I wanted but everything could have been in reach. I wouldn’t know the hard ships that I went through and learned from. I could have sat around getting everything I wanted then to be sent out into the world without street smarts or any kind of social knowledge to fend for myself in a rather changing and challenging world. All to say that not knowing this empty person could have been one of the better parts of growing up. To be left almost alone to fend for myself and make my own decisions as a child acting as an adult has given life skills and values that not many in this world still hold dear and true.

Even if this is falling on deaf ears the fact that these keys are being pushes and the pages being written are helping to make peace with one self. Through troubled times and good times the mold of an individual is made. Whether the choices made were good or bad hopefully nothing was taken for granted and all potential that could have been learned was achieved. But yet even now through everything a lot of individuals I know still are not sure what their purpose is in life or who they are supposed to be. I thought that I would be a writer, an anthropologist, teacher, or nurse. Although none of those have ever been in any job descriptions I have held there is always a way to find what you are looking for in any opportunity that is presented to you. Helping others can be a value in any job given, so is writing and the ability to see someone for who they are not what they are. Is it ever good enough though? Wanting to be the one to stand out from the others with all the skills that have been acquired in life never seems to be enough. Speaking for myself and others when is it enough? Pleasing others has seemed to have become a way of life for myself but when you are at the end of your rope; who is there for you? That is one hard pill to swallow, when you realise that efforts go unnoticed or are simply expected of one’s self.

The most important lesson I have learned through all of this is really to only depend yourself. Only you truly know your story and where it has lead to and only you can make the small changes in your life to ameliorate your state of well being. Exercise yes sure, but not to the extremes. Read and write for mental clarity. But the number one resource to get oneself truly at peace is knowing that they have done all they can to make a life for themselves. Regardless if it is not good enough for anyone else, you have changed career paths multiple times, or you are still uncertain of the major choices you have made. At least all of these initiatives were doing by you and no one else. No one can teach or tell you how to be happy. Confusion and wonder are one of the greatest gifts. Without those how would anyone be able to reach full potential. Or if we go back to the beginning, if everyone had the same happy past without struggles, no one knew what it was like to be raised by a single parent or had to lose a loved one the world would be a very boring place.

Settling down is not an option either. Finding the perfect job with the perfect living arrangements and perfect partner may seem like a dream to anyone. But is it really? What if life was perfect and you had anything you wanted, wouldn’t you want a little more. And I regress to a previous statement, is this all done because it is a societal norm or that is what your parents wanted? Is that what you wanted is the question one needs to ask themselves. Yes I am not old or wise but being through small and sometimes major bumps in the road has made me skeptical yet hopeful. In between the three years where a few paragraphs were written to now grand gestures and concise decision making skills have grown in a way to ameliorate myself and bring inner peace and quiet the noise outside. Perfect new job, perfect apartment and perfect relationship but it does not stop there. For someone with dreams and goals this will never be enough. Being able to write the words down has been more liberating then thinking them or attempting to talk about them.

I believe that the future generations need to feel what it is to be hurt to have to work hard and not simply play online all day. To never know hardship is to not have lived at all. How would one know what is good for them or what is compassion or life without going through hardship and having everything given to them on a silver platter? Trying to please someone will not get you far either. It may take a while but being alone and trying to sort out thoughts is tough but will result in peace and a vision to a higher achieving goal no matter what it is. I am proud of what I went through and where I am today if everyone could just stop for a moment and smell the roses or take pleasure in life’s simple gifts I believe many individuals will be better off and be able to live a happy fulfilled life. Even when the odds are not in your favor, as a child or an adult it is the journey and the lessons learned that grow a person. Not to say I am perfect but I have come to terms with those and things I cannot change, and will find simple pleasures when I can to add excitement and joy into the everyday norm.

As previously stated this is not a memoire just a jumble of thoughts that will hopefully make others think.


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